Nin Pig
by singeivoire
Summary: A collection of silly Naruto flash fiction.
1. Nin Pig

This will be something of a catch-all for the plotless cracks that come to my mind. A burial ground for half-baked bunnies, if you will. (Hooray for mixed metaphors!)

All of these deal with Naruto - which I do not own.

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1: Nin Pig

"Shizune, your pig is wearing a vest."

"Ton-Ton always wears a vest."

"Yes," Tsunade was grinning now, "but that's a new vest."

Shizune blushed. "Well, she couldn't very well wear that red one on the mission – it would be ruined."

"Oink!" The pig sounded rather proud of herself.

"Shizune, the pig is wearing a _flak jacket_."

Sure enough, in place of her typical red vest, Ton-Ton was wearing a tiny Konoha ninja's vest, complete with the signature red swirl on the back.

"So?" Shizune sounded defensive, and Ton-Ton mimicked her human's tone with another guarded oink.

"So, when, pray tell, did your pig become a chuunin?"

"You know Ton-Ton helps me on missions – she has an excellent sense of smell! She's my familiar – my… my… nin-pig!"

Tsunade actually snorted, and Ton-Ton looked offended. "Okay, then." The Fifth's voice was dangerously patient. "Now that you are all _coordinated_, do you think you can go on this mission."

Shizune, recognizing the warning gleam in Tsuande's eyes, snapped to attention. "Yes, Lady Tsunade!"


	2. Pirates

2: Pirates

"Ooooooh, Iruka-sensei's going to be so mad at you!" Udon sniffed, but this did nothing for his runny nose.

"Oh, stop being such a worry-wart, Udon-kun – put more hair in his ears, Konohamaru-chan!" On Moegi's suggestion, the honorable grandson of the Third added a few more squiggles to his illustration, making the little girl dissolve once again in giggles.

"What are you three doing?" Iruka decided it was time to make his presence known. The trio jumped at the voice of their sensei and turned in their seats, horrified. Konohamaru tried vainly to cover up the paper with a length of his scarf, but Iruka snatched it up.

"Who – what is it?"

"It's you, Iruka-sensei." Moegi didn't seem to have any qualms about ratting out the ringleader.

"It's... what?" Iruka wrinkled his scarred nose and studied the picture. "What am... I... doing?"

The little girl certainly was prompt. "You're running away from enemy nins!"

"And is that…" Iruka pointed at a portion of the picture.

"…your pants are falling off." Udon sounded a little depressed.

"Hm. And those are? Women? Laughing?" Iruka felt angry heat creeping up his neck.

"Yes…" Konohamaru sounded miserable.

" – and you're crying!" Moegi volunteered with glee.

"Thank you, Moegi-chan, I can see that. I just want to know one more thing… what – is **that**?" Iruka pointed at the blob on top of his illustrated head.

Udon and Moegi both leaned in to see what he was referring to. After a beat, Udon shrugged and sniffed, and Moegi turned to the honorable grandson. "What _is_ that, Konohamaru-chan?"

The hyperactive boy squinted at his masterpiece and answered in a small voice. "It's a pirate hat, sensei."

"A – a what?" Some of Iruka's anger was replaced with confusion.

Konohamaru shifted in his seat and glanced up at his teacher. He raised his voice in defiance: "I like pirates!"


	3. Blobology

Okay, this one bumps up the rating a bit, but it was too silly to not post. This was originally in response to a prompt on a completely unrelated forum. I enjoyed writing it so much that I Naruto-fied it and decided to share it with you folks too.

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3: Blobology 

"I think my brain is beginning to liquefy and drip out on to my notes." Kiba leans over to Hinata and whispers this in her ear so she gets gooseflesh all down her neck. She flushes and gives his notes a perfunctory look.

"Um – I think that might just be drool, Kiba-kun."

"Aw, now that's not nice. Can I help it if I was born with dribble-prone lips?"

"Shhhh, Kiba-kun – I'm trying to pay attention!" It's an out and out lie. Iruka-sensei had lost her about 45 minutes ago. She just can't hang with his biology lectures.

They're sitting in the upper echelons of their classroom at the academy, staring down upon rows and rows of students – most dozing, some furiously taking notes. It looks like Naruto-kun has actually fallen asleep. Iruka is pointing at a picture of a blob which he has drawn on the blackboard at the front of the room. Hinata can't distinguish it from all the other blobs he's shown the class over the last few month. Blobs with tentacles. Blobs with eight-syllable names. Blobs in flowcharts. Blobs beget blobs beget blobs. Why couldn't they just study genjutsu?

Kiba's antics are a lot more interesting.

"D'ya think if we, like, acted out what he was talking about, it would make more sense?" He's whispering at her again. She tries to focus on the notebook paper in front of her only to find that her handwriting has been drifting free of its moorings on the lined sheet. May as well just give up.

"Um, well – I don't know what he's talking about."

"Okay, well I'll be the blob on the right…" He then proceeds to make a show of fixing his attention on Iruka. He forms a pulsating spheroid with his enterlacing fingers and even provides blurping sound effects with those "dribble-lips" of his.

Hinata watches Kiba, listening to Iruka's drone with half an ear. "Meiosis, not to be confused with Miosis or Mitosis, is the process by which one diploid eukaryotic cell divides…"

_(Bloop-blurrp-blup, Kiba's fingers wiggle apart.)_

" …twice to generate four haploid cells…."

_('Shit, we need four – you have to do it too…' he gestures to Hinata's fingers. She obediently blurps as well, though much more quietly.) _

"…The result is the formation of gametes…."

_(Kiba holds up his hands triumphantly, Hinata lets out a silent giggle.) _

"… in turn, two gametes from different sources may join to form a new diploid germ cell…"

_(Kiba fumbles around for one of Hinata's hands. She gets the idea, and they form a new blurping blob. The giggles are getting pretty furious at this point.)_

"… this is the essential process by which all eukaryotic sexual reproduction takes place."

Hinata gazes, horror-stricken, for a moment at the blob of hands between them, certain that she must be turning purple. Kiba is looking at the hands too. Both seem simply too shocked to pull away just then.

Kiba leans in to whisper in Hinata's ear again. He's getting closer – closer…

"Sweetie – it's a girl!"

Hinata faints dead away.

FIN


End file.
